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[Sunday, April 17th.] |
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i got a patch. i got a pin. obtained political beliefs from the same songs as my friends. i got a five finger discount to the little record store, it's easier that to get the stiff i want out. & if you want fair compensation for the work that you do, well then you're greedy, get out, we have amazing names to call you. ever think that there's a difference who you're stealing from? so, fine, i'm not punk & you are (a moron). we're gonna tear this stupid city down. throw our trash on the ground. liberate that bottle of malt liquor! oh, i get it. anarchy means that you litter (nice!). so, if you're flying the flag, & you're naming the name, then you're setting back the ones who know how to behave. it's a good thing this repleneshes itself, or who would be left to take advantage of your "help"? going to drop our trash on you.
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| spectrums a to z. |
[Thursday, April 14th.] |
| [ |
mood |
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 geeky |
] |
this livejournal will be put on hiatus for awhile.
don't worry, i'm okay & i've made it through the winter. i just really need to do other things right now than be extremely addicted to livejournal. i shall update when i'm good & ready & i'll bring back a new name for everything.
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| i was the one worth leaving. |
[Wednesday, April 6th.] |
| [ |
mood |
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 cheerful |
] |
( shot glasses, bottles & lighters, we're all the same. )
i am a witch in my school's production of macbeth! colin yuha & i are plotting to become brother-in-law & sister-in-law with each other by trying to set up our younger siblings who are in the same grade & equally attractive.
lately, i have been sort of enjoying math pure. because mr. ell is a really nice guy. today, i wore a sweater vest & it was very very warm in pure math, but aside from that, i sort of liked it. this will fade soon, though, as my love for math probably doesn't stand a chance as soon as this snow melts into summer.
i am a visitor here, i am not permanant.
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| i'm the same, i'm with you. |
[Sunday, April 3rd.] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 i'm always dorky. |
] |
for about 20 minutes last night, i watched a boy i used to have an enormous crush on move a van seat in the mall parking lot. isn't it strange how your body still remembers things you told it to forget?
last night made my spring break. i hope the fact that i have never tasted red bull before changes in the near future. i hope the fact that i can be a sucky girlfriend sometimes changes right now. i hope john k. samson is as skinny in real life as he is in pictures.
wouldn't it be funny if he was really like 300 pounds & overweight? & the camera takes off like 210 pounds. that would be funny.
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| it never seemed so strange. |
[Friday, April 1st.] |
| [ |
mood |
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 hopeful |
] |
well, i am back from my long long voyage to british columbia to visit my grandparents. up until two hours ago, the highlight of my spring break was an eight minute phone call to a cellular phone in lethbridge on wednesday night.
until two hours ago, i ached so bad to just talk to anyone that i wasn't immediately related to that i thought i would fall apart. i love my family, i really do, but eight days without a computer & sixteen hours of driving in almost complete silence & constant comments about the kind of music i listen to are not equal to my idea of a spring break well spent.
sometimes, i know what i am looking for is too far away (example: lethbridge alberta, playing hockey) & i try to replace that with something else that is a bit closer (example: r-rated movies & mix c.d.'s & outings with blonde-haired friends), & sometimes, i am so good at doing that, that i can convince myself that i am going to be okay.
i am going to be okay. i am going to be okay. i am going to be okay. i am going to be okay. i am going to be okay. i am going to be okay. i am going to be okay. i am going to be okay. i am going to be okay. i am going to be okay.
this is one fo those times.
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| the squeaking of our skin. |
[Sunday, March 20th.] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 contemplative |
] |
sometimes i think this cycle never ends, we slide from top to bottom & we turn & climb again, & it seems by the time that i have figured what it's worth, the squeaking of our skin against the steel has gotten worse.
but if i move my place in line i'll lose. & i have waited, the anticipation's got me glued.
i am waiting for something to go wrong. i am waiting for familiar resolve.
sometimes it seems that i don't have the skills to recollect the twists & turns of plots that took us from lovers to friends. i'm thinking i should take that volume back up off the shelf & crack it's weary spine & read to help remind myself.
but if i move my place in line i'll lose. & i have waited, the anticipation's got me glued.
i am waiting for something to go wrong. i am waiting for familiar resolve. i am waiting for another repeat, another diet fed by crippling defeat & i am waiting for that sense of relief. i am waiting for you to flee the scene, as if you held in your hand the smoking gun & on the floor lay the one you said you loved.
& it's strange, they are basically the same; so i don't ask names anymore.
there are ninety-one days until july begins. that means i am three-fourths finished tenth grade. how is this possible? i am still a little kid. i do not know why i am in grade ten. i should be in... kindergarten? i am five (plus ten) years old!
i am still living in the summer before i ever stepped foot in bawlf school. july sixenteenth. august seventh. august tenth. august nineteenth & twentith. isn't is really strange how i remember those specific days off by heart, but if you asked me how to balance the ionic charges of silver bromide, i would have no idea, even though i've been learning that for the past three weeks?
i really love spending time with you. & i really love your love for caramel & alexisonfire & nirvana & van halen, even though i don't share those loves. i really love your face & how nicely it fits against mine. i really love your hair, even when it gets caught in my mouth. i really love how you can play guitar. i really love how you make me laugh uncontrollably. i really love how usually when i'm with you i break a lot of rules & how i kind of feel bad, but not really. i really love how you make fun of my midget hands, because it usually results in hand holding. i really love your random quotes from t.v. & movies & the internet. i really love your uneven bed & mismatched pillows. i really love so many things about you that i couldn't really name them all, because some of them are above words.
winter, you have worn out your welcome.
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| when you scan the radio, i hope this song guides you home. |
[Saturday, March 19th.] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 blah |
] |
it was evan's birthday yesterday (march 18th). he told me he'd phone me, but as usual, he didn't, & i ended up phoning him. i'm beginning to accept that when he says "i'll call you." he really means "i'll make you wait at home all night waiting for my call, & then make you feel like a sack of rotten tomatoes when i don't call at all."
anyway, i wished him a happy birthday & told him about my predicament with ryan bolin. he understood.
& i'm sorry, everyone, that i don't update this much anymore. & i'm sorry that all i can talk about is my boyfriend, but i really do not have anything else to say. c.a.l.m. portfolios, play lines to be memorized, science reveiw & writing file assignments are cement shoes in this little lady's ocean.
oh, wait, today, in art, colby thompson & i danced around the art room while most other people were getting paint. it was a highlight of my day.
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| my girl's got a big mouth, with which she blabbers a lot. |
[Saturday, March 5th.] |
| [ |
mood |
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contemplative |
] |
 curling provincials + marianne = radical. you can't argue with math. i'm having fun, being a hostess/banner carrier with chelsie volk & micheal murphy. mr. bowie called ms. stolee "merdell" at the curling banquet tonight. i guess it never occured to me that teachers would call each other by their first names. speaking of math, although mr. ell is a nice guy, i hate hate hate pure math 10. what a royal waste of time. i do not even know why i am still in pure math 10, maybe to see how low i can bring down my average. anyway, back to provincial curling... after the banquet, michael trinh & i went to "be cool" (which is a movie, by the way), & we saw devan herder & colby thompson & colin yuha (!!!). on the drive back to micheal trinh's house, i raced devan & his blue truck, & he beat me terribly, but my mother was in the passenger seat & she gets thrown into a panic about me even touching the cars to the honda. i am awfully tired right now, as it is 2:40 a.m. by my watch.
i sent a letter a few days ago. it was written on yellow construction paper. i spilled vanilla air freshner on the envelope. i adhered one stamp to it & wished it on it's merry way. i mailed it from the main street in bawlf.
andy warhol was a strange man.
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| i thought i felt your shape, but i was wrong. |
[Monday, February 28th.] |
| [ |
mood |
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 i am at the climax of my youth |
] |
( my mother went to chicago & all she brought me back was this lovely assortment of pictures & a blue man group t-shirt )
weekends at the williams house slash erskine slash stettler slash staal house punctuate my life with exclamation marks. while my mother was watching the blue man group in chicago, i was riding in the backseat of a certain black jetta on the way to red deer with three of my very favourite people in the entire world.
("shall the smoke show begin?" i got greedy & my throat paid for it. "hi, i'm ryan bolin, & i'm too cool for most people." THE INTERNET! FUCK YEAH! dolphin keychains double as flashlights. i forgot what i was looking in my purse for. carnivale bathrooms. laughing hard in parking lots about our states of mind. petland. kittens & puppies & birds in open cages. "they can't sell ducks!" bright aquariums & goldfish with puffy eyes & lizards & snakes & chameleons & pihranas & crabs & lobster things. future shop & looking at c.d.'s. booster juice. watching the jetta drive away & realizing it was much colder outside than i had thought. creative suidcide joggers. driving aimlessly around stettler. ringing doorbells (!!!) holding hands & almost running into a fence on the edge of town. begin left at & swinging all by myself in the rubber park & actually being really afraid. & then finding an EMPTY BACK SEAT, which made my heart sink into my feet! & then seeing a familiar chill toque & black sherpa jacket that made my heart do cartwheels. & parking in the street outside of evan's house for 20 minutes before evan & i even went in. & knocking on windows when it was time to go back to erskine. & thinking to myself that this is really not the way i thought i'd be spending my teenage years, but i would never ever ever have it any other way, in total honesty.)
i have so much to write down here about this weekend, but i think the rest will be private, because some things are just better secrets.
in the public speaking department, although, marianne williams placed first in the senior age catagory. reprezant!
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| our intentions were intangible & sweet. |
[Monday, February 21st.] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 loved |
] |
even though friday night, most of saturday night & most of today were a bit on the sucky side, but the loveliness of my sunday definately balances (if not outweighs) it all out.
i went to the ol' c.u.c., read (& messed up) the prayer of confession, visited with warren & penny & then went on my merry way to tim horton's for hot chocolate & the co-op gas station for some morning greetings to steven the bjornson & then i phoned evan the staal, & i found myself watching movies in his grandma's (am i allowed to call her oma? even though i'm not german?) basement in the dark (even though it was the afternoon).
the grudge=terrible movie.
it isn't scary. or suspenseful. it's just bad.
fubar=amazing movie.
you just gotta go out there, & just give'r.
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| i lie to go to sleep when all is wrong or right. |
[Saturday, February 19th.] |
| [ |
mood |
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blah |
] |
you know what really makes my brain boil in it's own brain juices?
when someone you expect to call you doesn't call you.
couldn't evan, son of shawna, just call to say that he won't be able to call?
my fingernails are painted a nice shade of yellow. i smell marianne's new trademark! i got a blood test yesterday, it was really not that bad at all. i talked to myles criderman on msn today, but i'm pretty sure he doesn't return the affection i have for him to me. oh, well. CHOMPER. i watched edward scissorhands alone in my basement last night. it's pretty good, but the fact that i was alone made me enjoy it less. i haven't been alone on a friday night in a long time.
maybe i am just not a long-distance, long-term relationship kind of person.
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| i'm sure when i'm older i'll know what that means. |
[Wednesday, February 16th.] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 content... |
] |
once there was a girl named marianne. & she enjoyed the simple things in life, like the scent of essence axe & cinnamon toothpaste & bright coloured sneakers & listening to acoustic guitar & the decemberists & the weakerthans & the microphones & too many other wonderful bands to list. but, she did have one little problem, procrastination. she put things off much too late, & often found herself buried underneath somewhat large piles of homework & deadlines. she'd much rather play "darling, if you love me, will you please please smile?" with calvin bratrud & write "colin yuha is a wifebeater" on school windows & scream "aw, fiddlesticks!" in gym class. yes, procrastination was a friend of marianne's.
until one day, when marianne was in grade twelve, she failed every subject except art 30 & french 30 because she never did anything until the very very last moment, & she never graduated from high school & she became a society-draining hobo & slept on amy williams' couch & d.l. & john thought it was strange when she slept there, even after amy had long gone to become a nurse, but they never said anything because they were too polite.
the end.
i bought is this it by the strokes on tuesday. if i wasn't so broke, i would have bought it before. i take advantage of my education & micheal o'malley's bank card, i'll be the first to admit.
i had a lovely day today, & i smell like my favourite scent in the entire world, but alas, there's a few things missing. & i know what they are... but i can't find them right now.
darling, if you love me, will you please please smile?
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[Sunday, February 6th.] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 FORK! |
] |
tamaguchi?
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| i'll ask how you got so vain. |
[Sunday, February 6th.] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
satisfied |
] |
this is james campbell & i at shawn banack's party last night. although, i've known who he is since september, i only just introduced myself last night. i've always thought he was super-rad. i'm strange that way, i guess.
this past weekend has been spent well in the life of marianne. although cruising aimlessly around camrose with daniel mattis, joey magnin, jolena & richele was a little too aimless & a little less cruising for my liking, it was alright. & watching harold & kumar go to white castle at richele's house = rad. finding myself sitting on a certain half white/half vietnamese boy's bed, listening to old school our lady peace & stories from the c.r.e. campground was probably the highlight of my friday night. & by probably, i mean, definately was.
shawn banack's party (more pictures coming soon... or something) was intense! i can't say i ever had more fun at another party. i named staci pretryshen's car betty. i fought calvin bratrud & i won, but don't worry, it was all in good fun! & luke fadum = good guy, & you can't argue with math! on the way home, i told tara tone & richele the story of basically the best thing that ever happened to me & they said they liked it.
luke fadum & i agree, i am the best girlfriend the world has ever known, but i can't tell you why, because it's a surprise!
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| tape recorder tape recorder! |
[Monday, January 31st.] |
| [ |
mood |
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 incredible! |
] |
i have spent the past six days enjoying them (omitting thursday night when i was really really sick from drinking beyond my body's capacity of instant coffee at michael trinh's house) ( TO THE MAX! )
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blinkbean's journal
ecstatic
why hasn't he called yet?!